The root of all evil

I found this in one of my old journals from high school.

"Wealth cannot bring happiness and appearances can misrepresent reality. I have to remember to not try too hard to be something I'm not. People are defined by more than their bank accounts."

I think teenage me is smarter than adult me.

Magic

"A quality that makes something seem removed from everyday life, especially in a way that gives delight."

Magic has a lot of meanings, as in there are a lot of definitions of the word. I think that says a lot about magic, like it's hard to pin point it and it's kind of comforting to know that the world hasn't been able to define it yet, either. There's a lot of stuff about hoodoo and mojo, but that's not the kind of magic that I'm thinking of. 

Have you ever met someone, and known instantly, that they are meant for your life? That's the kind of magic that I mean. 

Magic is something that has always been a part of my life. A lot of my writing is about/mentions/alludes to magic.

Sometimes I hear a song and I'm like YES, this is exactly what was missing from my life and now it's complete. Magic.

When I realise that I have been breathing without having to think about it. Magic.

I'm pretty sure it was Roald Dahl that said that those who don't believe in magic will never find it. I believe. Everything's magic.

Particularly, his smile. 

P.S, It was! "and above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." - Roald Dahl

Mirrors

*I was assigned to personify my fear and this what I came up with*

Warning: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted.

Face to face, I start to realise the similarities between us. We don't look a like but we've seen the same things and felt the same feelings. 

She's worn and tired, a suitcase under each of her eyes. Her eyes. They're the same as mine but hers seem brighter, as if she's slowly stealing the light from mine. 

I don't know who she is or what she wants but I won't ever forget the way her mouth twisted into a smile as she spits the words "you're a fucking failure" at me.

You're nothing. 

Nothing you do is good enough. 

You will let us down. 

You will let your mother down.

You will let your friends down.

Do you know why? because you're a fucking failure. Don't forget. 

It's been this way for as long as I can remember. This constant whispering straight into my left side brain. 

I cannot place the blame on her though. It's my fault. She is me, we are you and we are all together and all that fucking shit. 

Fear is my second favourite f-word. 

I'm 21

It was my 21st birthday on November 13, my friends decided to document the night in the form of a journal, this is what we ended up with:

Shot count: (20:50) : 2 - 1 flatliner, 1 birthday shot. 

Nicole is not amused.

Shot count is shockingly low at this stage. 

Nicole is currently looking at us, she knows…

Shot count: (21:21): 4 - 1 flatliner, 1 springbok.

Shot glass something something (melted shot glass with cigarette)

Suddenly there was light?!

Nicole needs another drink. I nominate Sean Black to get her one. 

Annoying things of the day: By Bin and Bex also known as Bsquared : 
1. Random girls sitting at our table for '1 drink'
2. General loud voices and un-evolved jocks 
3. Random girl (with boyfriend) sitting with us for TOO DAMN LONG!
- talking half-brain-cell kinda shit 
- her boobs could suffocate an army
- I'm eeout 
#soznotsoz #fuckthesebints #wecantstop #welovetohashtag
4. Girls touching boys manboob
5. Boys touching their asses and then touching girls face #ew #cracktofaceloving
6. Dumb bitch returns

Triumphs! (There were good things)
1. Bin convinced Sean to buy her a drink. Hollah guurl. 
2. Nicole drinking THE CURDLE SHOT #vom x 2 
3. MORE SHOTS FOR NICOLE... 

Shot count: (21:50) : 8 - 1 flatliner, 1 pancake, 1 springbok, 1 curdle shot
#messy 

4. Dumb bitch exited the cool circle - peace is restored - nevermiiiiind
5. Some guy asks for psychedelic drugs customers. Y'know, us. Cause we're cool. 
6. Bin avoids awks conversation with ex-hook-up by telling him he's boring
7. Bin attempted to drink dumb bitches whole drink and pretend it was a mistake (true story)

Nicole: "why are you at my table bitch?"

DB (dumb bitch) hits on Bex #sozlol #lolawks
-HAAA. Dafaq, even. 

(Sidebar: Nicole looking more drunk, this is good)

8. DB proves useful, brandishing panado for Bin. Urgh. Hate it when annoying people are nice. 
9. Bin gets hiccups. Sober. I die. #drunkardatheart

Nicole looks bored. More alcohol. #bekshandledit 

p.s DB is still heeeeeere 

Bin found R20 in the bathroom. #scooooore #student

Bin singing obnoxiously, to scare DB off. #notworking CAN'T EVEN DEAL

We walked to friars. All Rhodes lead to friars.

Nicole has no idea what's happening, she said so herself. 
p.s - Friars is empty 

Friars is wed-exam-time-kinda-full.

Sean sexy dances.

Tash gets her vodka and orange juice.

HAPPY FACES!!

People making out. Sean poses with them. Nicole poses with them. 

Ross and Rebecca become BFFFFS. WOOOOOO! 
Ross approves this message.

Tash dances amazingly. 

Shot count: (00:30) : 10 - 1 strawberry lips, 1 soco

Beks is so drunk.

Binwe dancing like a white person. 

Sean is a drunk loser #fallingonthedancefloor, tipping Bex over #SHAMEFUL

BOO YOU WHORE!

Bin drinks tequila shot HA HAAAAAAAA

Beks is dancing with a book just so you know, really embarrassing. #notunusual

Beks kills Sean (drinking)

Everybody loses Nicole.

We found Nicole!

HAPPY FACES!

Nicoleon is the best #TRUTH 

CLOSING TIME! 


My friends are amazing. I love you guys.

Halycon Days

"A period of peace and happiness."

The Halcyon is a bird of Greek legend. The ancients believed that the bird made a floating nest in the Aegean Sea and it had the power to calm the waves while brooding her eggs. The belief in the birds power to calm the sea originated in a beautiful myth recorded by Ovid.

The story goes that Aeolus, the ruler of the winds, had a daughter named Alcyone who married Ceyx, the king of Thessaly. Ceyx was drowned at sea and Alcyone threw herself into the waves in a fit of grief. Instead of drowning, she was transformed into a bird and the wind carried her to her husband.

Today, halcyon days leans more towards nostalgia and the recalling of the seemingly endless sunny days of youth, but the original halcyon days were in the depth of winter.

The depths of winter. Those are the real halcyon days. That's when it gets the darkest and the coldest. But peace is drinking tea with your best friend when it's cold and happiness is being surrounded by friends with lighters when it's dark.

I was just thinking about it today. Life isn't an American summer cliche, it's harsh and it's brutal. I'm too young to be nostalgic but I'm old enough to know what I have are halcyon days.

Fickle

"Characterised by erratic changeableness or instability, especially with regard to affections or attachments."

I also have a music blog, I write reviews and just put music that I love on there. I had a look at it today and I didn't want to listen to anything on it. Not because I had changed my mind about the music I supposedly love, I still think all of it is incredible, but rather I convince myself that there is something better to listen to, somewhere.

I'm fickle, in every aspect of my life and I think I always will be.

I met a guy recently and I thought I liked him. I really think I did but I convinced myself that there is someone better, somewhere.

That scares me. I'd rather be alone. I'd rather listen to nothing. All because I want better.

What if what you have IS better? The best? And you walk away or you don't listen because "there must be something better."

Aren't you scared of walking alone in silence?

I am.

Need it

"All the while as I traced her spine. You tore up my head, through my peace of mind."

I can't get this song out of my head. Ironically, it's about not being able to get someone out of your head.

Your mind is a funny thing isn't it? It plays tricks on you, doesn't it?

I had a conversation, in the early hours of the morning, with a friend about how she can't bring herself to let go. She needs him in her life, even if she knows that it's not good for her.

That's the thing. People leave their mark. Sometimes it's just a smudge that someone can just rub off, the way your mom did when you were a kid.

Sometimes, they scar and no matter how hard you scrub, it doesn't wash away.

It may fade, but it's there and some days it's shows more than you'd like it to, but it's a good thing.

Without that scar, you might forget. Forgetting means letting go of a piece of yourself. No matter how scarred that piece is, you need it.